You filibustering Cro-Magnons and freshwater swabs! You lily-livered bandicoots and abecedarian iconoclasts! Scoffing braggarts! Prattling porpoises! Squawking popinjays! Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles, what a bunch of steam-rolling, body-snatching Ostrogoths you really are!
Now that, Messrs. Michael Murphy and Jeannot Volpe, is how you curse.
I realize how demeaning it must be for you to take instruction from a character invented by the Belgian writer Herge in the early part of the last century (the crusty, dipsomaniacal Captain Archibald Haddock in the “Adventures of Tintin”). But, seriously gentlemen, when it comes to the fine art of slinging well-turned mud, you need help.
Mr. Volpe, in the provincial legislature last week, you referred to the Health Minister and his boss, Premier Shawn Graham, as versions of Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez. What were you thinking? Not only are these despots extraordinarily well-respected throughout the Latin world, their economies actually work. Are you trying to get Handsome Guy Chuckles and his cavalcade of callow cavaliers re-elected?
And you, Mr. Murhpy – what persuaded you to characterize the Opposition Leader as one of the “Madawaska Mafia”? Everyone knows that the descendents of the Sicilian “Black Hand” were among the most successful entrepreneurs in North America. Are you looking across the aisle for a candidate to replace your cabinet colleague at Business New Brunswick? Do you have an offer a certain somebody can’t refuse.
Naturally, I assume neither of you meant to support the other’s game, albeit vain, attempt to build political capital.
This seems clear, Mr. Volpe, from your wounded faun routine in which you declared, “My family is from Italian background, and the roots are very deep. My 82-year-old mother called me first thing this morning. Because of that, it is not a good thing for [Murphy] to say.”
Likewise, Mr. Minister, your testy rejoinder spoke volumes: “[Volpe] referred to me as a vicious, third-world dictator, and I didn’t complain. It’s all just rhetoric; a tempest in a teapot. I’m used to [him] saying whatever comes into his mind. He is a publicity stunt waiting to happen.”
Still, if I may be of some service.
The time has come for leading elected representatives in this province to articulate their insults, cast their aspersions, and otherwise undermine their brethren in the assembly more accurately and, frankly, more creatively.
Why, for example, say “Mafioso” when you really mean “buccaneer”, “vampire”, “egoist”, “tramp”, “trollop”, “crook”, “harlequin”, “parasite”, “pockmark”, “coconut”, “brute”, “guano-gatherer”, and “bougainvillea”?
Why say “dictator” when you crave to blurt “ruffian”, “numbskull”, “savage”, “heretic”, “villain”, “corsair”, “pyrographer”, “blackguard”, “artichoke”, “fat-face”, “bashi-bazouck”, “beetle”, and “ectoplasmic byproduct”?
In fact, Mr. Murphy, consider the enduring impact of telling Mr. Volpe that he is nothing but a “Carpathian caterpillar, a miserable molecule of mildew whose opposition members are, collectively, hardly better than a thundering herd of zapotecs let loose by a nitwitted ninepin.”
For your part, Mr. Volpe, imagine the cheers from the peanut gallery when you respond: “Mr. Speaker, as much as I respect the honourable Health Minister, I must point out that he is obviously a dictatorial duck-billed diplodocus, a puffed up punchinello, and a blundering barbecued blister on the body politic.”
On the other hand, you could both shut your traps and get down to the business you were elected to execute: Building an economy which encourages its young professionals, tradesworkers and skilled immigrants to (what’s that word?) stay; establishing the province’s credit-worthiness in (what’s that phrase?) the global marketplace; forging promising, new trade relations with the other provinces of this (what’s that stereotype?) unpromising corner of Canada.
But if you do persist in behaving like a couple of “sea-gherkins, road-hogs, invertebrates, shipwreckers, torturers, carpet-sellers, fancy-dress freebooters, sea-lice, troglodytes, turncoats, jellied eels, and marmalukes” remember what good, old Captain Haddock had to say about politicians.
“Words fail me.”